The Grieving Hours and Random Ramblings
I've been feeling really anxious lately, nothing that is causing a panic attack, but just this constant feeling of anxiety throughout the day, mainly the past month or so. And I haven't been sleeping as good as normal. Ever since we moved into the new house, I've been waking up before my alarm goes off (set to 6:oo am). Thankfully I go back to sleep, but it's annoying to wake so early, especially when I haven't quite gotten my goal of 7 hours of sleep.
I decided to go see my acupuncturist, Briana, who is amazing. Altho I really don't have anyone else to compare her to! But she really is great. I hold her how I was feeling, and she asked me some questions, and my dad's death and anniversary had come up and she looked at me and said, that's it! Your anxiety is from the grief you feel from losing your dad, especially magnified by the 1 year anniversary of his death. I don't know why I didn't put the two together, probably cuz I have so many other things going on. But it did make sense. She also mentioned the hours between 5am - 7am were the grieving hours, which was probably why I was waking up so early.
I find myself just really feeling sad and missing him at random times. I recently woke up crying and thinking of him and his accident and how awful and confusing and painful it must have been for him. I'm grateful that he didn't suffer for very long (at least I hope he wasn't suffering while he was sedated), because the thought of him being in pain and suffering is too much for me to bear.
Shortly after moving into our new house, I went to go check the mail, and there were 2 boys walking the other direction and I heard one say to the other something about his grandma. The other boy said, "what about your grandma?" and the first boy said "she slipped on ice and broke her arm!" And I thought, why couldn't my dad have just broken his arm like that grandma?? Why did he have to hit his head?? Why did he have to die??
It still is weird to me, all of this, that he's gone. And then I think about how lonely my mom must feel, even with us living right next to her. All the daily habits they had together, eating breakfast, lunch and dinner together, walking around the neighborhood together, going to the pool together, just everything, together. And now she has to do it all alone. That's gotta be the weirdest and hardest part about all of this. Once together, and now alone.
I decided to go see my acupuncturist, Briana, who is amazing. Altho I really don't have anyone else to compare her to! But she really is great. I hold her how I was feeling, and she asked me some questions, and my dad's death and anniversary had come up and she looked at me and said, that's it! Your anxiety is from the grief you feel from losing your dad, especially magnified by the 1 year anniversary of his death. I don't know why I didn't put the two together, probably cuz I have so many other things going on. But it did make sense. She also mentioned the hours between 5am - 7am were the grieving hours, which was probably why I was waking up so early.
I find myself just really feeling sad and missing him at random times. I recently woke up crying and thinking of him and his accident and how awful and confusing and painful it must have been for him. I'm grateful that he didn't suffer for very long (at least I hope he wasn't suffering while he was sedated), because the thought of him being in pain and suffering is too much for me to bear.
Shortly after moving into our new house, I went to go check the mail, and there were 2 boys walking the other direction and I heard one say to the other something about his grandma. The other boy said, "what about your grandma?" and the first boy said "she slipped on ice and broke her arm!" And I thought, why couldn't my dad have just broken his arm like that grandma?? Why did he have to hit his head?? Why did he have to die??
It still is weird to me, all of this, that he's gone. And then I think about how lonely my mom must feel, even with us living right next to her. All the daily habits they had together, eating breakfast, lunch and dinner together, walking around the neighborhood together, going to the pool together, just everything, together. And now she has to do it all alone. That's gotta be the weirdest and hardest part about all of this. Once together, and now alone.
posted by joyce at
6:18 PM
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