Memorial Day 1980
My parents and I arrived in the USA on Memorial Day 1980, I think it was May 25th. We arrived by airplane to LAX, and then took the Greyhound bus to Coalinga, CA. where we would start our new life. What an adventure that must have been. I sometimes wonder what was going thru my parent's minds during this time. Were they excited? Frightened? Regretting their decision to leave Korea?? I wondered recently if my mom liked her life in America. If she dreamed of moving back to Korea, especially now that my dad was gone. Would she be happier there? Or here? Is she happy at all?? I don't have these kinds of conversations with my mom, I don't know if it's because I don't want to hear the truth, or if she would even tell me the truth.
My mom is complex. I know she had a hard upbringing, being the oldest daughter, and having such high expectations set on her from her own parents. I think she had a difficult relationship with her mom. I remember her crying about it when she was out visiting after Rhys was born. And feeling remorseful for how she treated her mom. I sometimes wonder what kind of relationship she wants from me. I wonder if she wishes we were closer, if she wishes we could communicate better with each other so we could have that kind of mother/daughter relationship that looks more like friendship, especially with me being an adult and mother myself. I feel like my relationship with my mom isn't that different from a lot of immigrant children who have a language barrier with their parents. They're like the providers, trying to do their best to give their kids the best opportunities, everything they weren't able to have. But now that it's just the 2 of us, I feel like we're forced to be closer but it's not something that would've happened otherwise. Lately with so much going on, most of our interactions revolve around moving. But I wish I could just sit down and talk to her about how she's feeling about all of this. I know this is a good distraction from what's really going on. But I wonder if it's not giving her the time to grieve properly because she's so consumed by this move, and doing so much on her own all of a sudden.
I know I still have my moments, I cry almost everyday still, when the reality of everything sinks in, usually out of nowhere, sometimes because I see or hear something that reminds me of my dad or just death in general. And I wonder if my mom is going thru that too, but even more so because she has constant reminders surrounding her in that house they lived in for just 2.5 years, starting their new life in Colorado. I hope that moving into this new house will help, since this is a home that my dad never lived in, so we won't have to think of the memories that make this all so difficult. Because being at my parent's house is still so weird and so difficult, and almost like I can still feel my dad there. Just expecting him to come around the corner and join us at the dinner table. And then feeling the disappointment of realizing that he won't ever be able to do that again. And also feeling the loneliness that my mom must be feeling without him. I know this will get easier as the years go on, and right now it's all still so new and raw. And also because of the nature of his death, being so sudden, and not allowing our brains to process it all, makes the healing process feel harder. As I've heard several ppl describe it, it is a sort of PTSD that I'm experiencing.
My mom is complex. I know she had a hard upbringing, being the oldest daughter, and having such high expectations set on her from her own parents. I think she had a difficult relationship with her mom. I remember her crying about it when she was out visiting after Rhys was born. And feeling remorseful for how she treated her mom. I sometimes wonder what kind of relationship she wants from me. I wonder if she wishes we were closer, if she wishes we could communicate better with each other so we could have that kind of mother/daughter relationship that looks more like friendship, especially with me being an adult and mother myself. I feel like my relationship with my mom isn't that different from a lot of immigrant children who have a language barrier with their parents. They're like the providers, trying to do their best to give their kids the best opportunities, everything they weren't able to have. But now that it's just the 2 of us, I feel like we're forced to be closer but it's not something that would've happened otherwise. Lately with so much going on, most of our interactions revolve around moving. But I wish I could just sit down and talk to her about how she's feeling about all of this. I know this is a good distraction from what's really going on. But I wonder if it's not giving her the time to grieve properly because she's so consumed by this move, and doing so much on her own all of a sudden.
I know I still have my moments, I cry almost everyday still, when the reality of everything sinks in, usually out of nowhere, sometimes because I see or hear something that reminds me of my dad or just death in general. And I wonder if my mom is going thru that too, but even more so because she has constant reminders surrounding her in that house they lived in for just 2.5 years, starting their new life in Colorado. I hope that moving into this new house will help, since this is a home that my dad never lived in, so we won't have to think of the memories that make this all so difficult. Because being at my parent's house is still so weird and so difficult, and almost like I can still feel my dad there. Just expecting him to come around the corner and join us at the dinner table. And then feeling the disappointment of realizing that he won't ever be able to do that again. And also feeling the loneliness that my mom must be feeling without him. I know this will get easier as the years go on, and right now it's all still so new and raw. And also because of the nature of his death, being so sudden, and not allowing our brains to process it all, makes the healing process feel harder. As I've heard several ppl describe it, it is a sort of PTSD that I'm experiencing.
posted by joyce at
5:56 PM
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